I dropped Ella at daycare this morning, after another sleepless night...I already have guilt of dropping her off at daycare instead of her being home, but next week will be a new chapter, plus my emotional status sucks!
I head to Wal-Mart after Ella is off playing with friends at daycare- the tears try to fall but I hold back, it will be ok.
I walk the rows at Wal-Mart in slow motion, it is nice to not have to rush around for once, and hey what is my hurry anyway. I wonder what the other people are doing here this morning too, did they get laid off, are unemployed, have sugar daddies/mommies at home? I am having a pity party for myself and know it. I get several items and head to check out the books, you would think with me spending a lot of free time at the library I would be sick of books, ha! I scan the books and best sellers and think of Charlotte, from Sex and the City, wanting a self-help book but embarrassed too, to be looking for one. I wanted one and couldn't find one, ha! Again, self pity.
Ella helps me feel better, amazing to see life through the eyes of the three year old. She is proud of me and loves me, wants me to be happy. I just need to get over these sad feelings and move one, right? RIGHT.
I still get up every morning, dress nicely, apply make-up and face the day. I need to see the challenges God has given me and be happy. I am almost there, it is close, I just needed one more day to cry about it.
So tomorrow will be the day the wall comes down I decide. I have stuff to do and places to go with Miss Ella and Kyle. I already have preschool checked off my list, and we signed up for library time. I filed for unemployment and need to apply for two jobs beginning Sunday, so I should remain busy. Plus with Kyle being home, we can hopefully make some decisions on a computer so I can go to the library for books and story time and not to log into a computer to feel technically involved again.
Thanks for the prayers and thoughts. I am going to make it. The next post should be more uplifting, I promise!
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3 comments:
Oh Nicola - I am so sorry.
It's hard to be sad with a happy toddler around, and that's a good thing! (When I was laid off when the kids were 4, 2 and 6 months, I was a wreck. But quickly found out life was too busy for me to be a wreck!)
Can you go to lunch sometime next week?
I am sorry to read this horrible news Nicola! I am a bit behind on my blog reading, but was just catching up with you. Hang in there!!
I am so sorry that this has been so hard! It is terrible to be jobless, but think of the rest that you are going to get before the baby comes and all of that bonding time you will have with him. I spent my maternity watching the days pass by and crying because I would have to go back to work. This way...you will be able to spend your bonding time bonding and not worrying about how much time you have left.
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